TAKE ME TO THE ISLANDS

“Instead of wondering when your next vacation is, maybe you should set up a life you don’t need to escape from.” – Seth Godin

I think this is very good advice–advice that I am, unfortunately, not following at the moment. I feel like all I think about every day is escaping. I spend my classes staring out windows, wondering what it’d be like to be on a beach right now with no obligations. I spend my afternoons napping away the remaining sunlight because in my dreams, life is better.

But I’m young, right? I’m 18 years old. I don’t have any real connections keeping me where I am. I don’t have a boyfriend or a family of my own yet. I don’t have a day job that’s directly helping me towards my career. I don’t have anything that’s really rooting me to this spot in Ohio, yet I feel so stuck.

I read this article today: “Why I Gave Up a $95,000 Job to Move to an Island and Scoop Ice Cream.” And it sounds like exactly what I want to do.

I want to take a gap year. I want to travel the world, or even settle in a place like this and just live with the bare minimum. I want to walk around barefoot and read on the beach and have limited internet access. I want to live on an island full of strangers and end up meeting every single one of them and learning their stories. I want to write and create and live an adventure.

But I’m stuck in Ohio. I have housing contracts signed until the end of Spring 2017. I have a perfectly laid out plan of every class I need to take until the end of my time here at Miami. I have obligations and expectations to uphold. I can’t just leave.

But there’s a voice in the back of my head–a voice that’s rising up from a spot right behind my heart–and it’s saying, “but you can.”

And it makes some really good points. Do it now. Do it while you’re young! You know how to make money. You can learn how to live on nothing. You can learn and adapt to anything. Just get the courage to do it. If you don’t do it now, you never will. You’ll get your degree and then immediately turn around and get a job at some high school somewhere and you’ll be locked into yet another contract that dictates the next few short years of your life.

And then what? I’ll wake up one day at the age of 40 and realize it’s too late? Realize I got too comfortable too quickly?

I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to be stuck on this path anymore.

I want to leave.

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I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO TITLE THIS SO JUST READ IT IF YOU WANT

Dear Reader,

This week has truly been one of the worst of my life. I know that sounds extremely dramatic, and may be troubling to hear, but in all honesty my life has not been terrible. I haven’t had to endure many tragedies or go through anything too awful (that I can think of, at least–unless I’m just repressing some things), so understand that this is all relative.

That being said, this week I have been more tired and stressed than I have ever been before (I kid you not–I fell asleep writing a paper and when I woke up there were some very confusing sentences that lead me to believe that I actually wrote part of it in my sleep). I’ve never felt worse about myself and I’ve never been so close to a nervous breakdown for so long. Everything just seems to build up and, though I’ve let some of it out, I know it’s only a matter of time before something truly pushes me over the edge and I burst.

Now, these are just the lows. I’ve felt this low for a majority of the week, but I’ve also had some highs. I’ve had some wonderful moments this week and I’ve truly laughed much more than usual.

I guess what I’m saying is that this whole week has been one big, draining, emotional roller coaster. But that’s college I suppose.

I promise I do have a point for writing this, though. Something that all of this has done is inspired me to write. I started off the week writing more than usual (just on small projects and my working novels and things like that), but when finals week started approaching faster and faster, I had to put it all on pause. Since then, I’ve had more inspiration than I know what to do with. Everything either reminds me of a character from my book or a potential blog post or a change I could make in my lyric essay. And it’s been really hard not to give in, even though I really don’t have the time to.

So, what I’ve decided to announce, is that I think I’m going to start sharing some of my writing. I don’t know how much within the next week, considering I still have finals to worry about, but I’m going to start putting myself out there. First, probably, with stupid little thoughts I decide to fashion into something creative, but then maybe some personal essays or memoir-type writings and things like that.

Because, honestly, that’s why my blog exists. I’m just writing whatever comes to mind, sharing anything I like, and interacting with people just like me. And people much different from me.

I’m just kind of going in whatever direction I feel like, and this is how I feel right now. And  I just thought I’d let anyone know that wanted to, because this is something I’ve very much looking forward to.

Sincerely,

Sammy

PS. Song of the moment for me is Yellow Flicker Beat by Lorde. It’s from the Mockingjay soundtrack and it’s really hard to listen to without singing along.

Spreading Myself Too Thin

Dear Reader,

I’m a bit stressed.

I am moving into my dorm at Miami University in exactly a week. And yeah it’s stressing to say goodbye to everyone and prepare for a completely different life three hours from home, but that’s not exactly what’s bothering me.

I want to be an English teacher because, in my eyes, that’s the best job there is. I love reading books and studying poetry and writing and teaching and all of it. And I want to make a difference. More importantly, I believe I can. This year I got to be a student teacher in some classrooms around the area and it only verified that this is what I’m meant to do. And I’m passionate enough to be good at it! I could honestly write an entire post about why this is my dream job, but instead I’ll cut to the chase.

It’s a great job, yes, but do I want to get straight out of college into a career so routine-oriented?

I’d work from August to May, and then use my summers to prepare for the next year. Sure, it’s great when you have a family, I would imagine. And I want to teach in a school much like my high school–a nice suburb with a good community and intelligent, inspiring kids (even though you can find those anywhere).

But I don’t want to spend my whole life in the same town, doing the same things, just looking for little pleasures in my life.

I want to travel the world. Return to France and English, and go on adventures in Thailand and Finland and Germany and Luxembourg! I want to live in New York City. I visited when I was a freshman and it’s been on my mind ever since.

But I don’t want to teach there. And even if I did, I can’t imagine that it’d be easy to find a job in the city.

So I’m going to this school for the next four years of my life and I’m going to milk it for everything it’s worth. I’m going to learn everything I possibly can and travel with any group that will take me along. I’m going to leave in 2018 as the most educated, prepared, worldly, leader that I can be.

Which has led to my decision of adding a journalism major.

So far in Miami I will be taking five classes that meet two days a week, practicing with the club tennis team four nights a week, working three nights a week, and auditioning for the orchestra that meets every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

It’s all part of my plan. I have two English classes that I’m very excited about and will, therefore, be excited to study. One is just reading and studying works by major American authors and the other is advanced composition, which I’m assuming will help me when writing my own novels. I then have an Educational psychology class that seems interesting and a journalism course that looks very promising. Then I have a random science class that I may need help with but am nonetheless ready to take on. (Plus it’s required for my graduation)

Then tennis is going to help me stay in shape, meet new people, have fun, and help me if I ultimately decide to coach (I’ve definitely been considering it). And I may not even make the orchestra–actually, I probably won’t. But if by some miracle I do it’ll be great to keep up with the cello and help me prepare for if I become a private cello teacher in the future.

And the job is to help me pay for the winter term if I decide to stay or study abroad (fingers crossed for New York City) or simply give me some money to save for the future or pay back my father for everything he’s done for me. And might I add that the hours are very reasonable.

So I’m planning all of this as the excitement grows inside of me to the point where I burst and spill the beans to anyone who will listen. And then this is the response I get:

“Have fun failing out.”

All I want is for one person to be supportive. Supportive without the condescending comments about time-management and heavy workloads. Because maybe I am spreading myself too thin, but let me make that mistake for myself. I’d rather try it all and be forced to quit a few than not try enough and live with regrets.

I understand that this is going to be hard–probably harder than expected–but this is my life! This is all preparation for the life that I will choose after college.

Maybe I’ll be a suburban teacher, maybe I’ll be a tennis coach, maybe I’ll be a journalist, maybe I’ll be an author, maybe I’ll be a cello teacher, maybe I’ll be all of the above! But this is just me trying to prepare for anything and everything and this is me pursuing my passions and following my dreams.

So just stop trying to stop me.

Sincerely,

Sammy