“JUST SO YOU KNOW, I CHECK YOUR BLOG LIKE EVERY DAY.”

Dear Reader,

My sister sent me that lovely text this morning. But when I replied, “aww bb” she said “ya but it doesn’t even matter cause you don’t POST ANYTHING ANYMORE.”

Ouch.

But okay, u right.

The thing is, I’ve thought a lot about random blog posts I wanted to write. I read ten books in September and there’s one in particular that I’m dying to talk about. So I thought about doing reviews, but then I could never just find the time. I have two other “journals” (I suppose) that I try to write in and I guess this blog just sort of became neglected.

So then I thought about writing a post called “something’s gotta give.” I actually wrote part of it during one of my lectures, which is kind of ironic because in part of it I was talking about how I was becoming a good student.

And it was just during this time of beautiful clarity where I felt like the pieces in my life were all coming together. I was working out with my friends and exercising daily. I was eating better. I was sleeping more. I was caught up on all my homework and I was enjoying all of my classes and life was just really good.

Then I lost that freakin’ notebook. And my life took a little bit of a spill. (I really want to stress how little the spill was, though, because I am very very aware that many people have things a lot harder. My life is still very very good. Everything is relative.)

I’ve actually been losing a lot of stuff lately, which really pisses me off because I can’t afford to be this much of a hot mess anymore. I lost my brand new water bottle that I got maybe two weeks ago. I lost my favorite pencil (which doesn’t seem like a big deal but it absolutely is and it’s like a $2 pencil). I can’t seem to find my headphones right now, which sucks. And I also couldn’t find the book I need for class today.

I’m also skipping a class today, but it’s to work a shift for my friend who drove home because her best friend from high school’s mom committed suicide last night.

I think I might write about suicide pretty soon, because it’s been on my mind a lot. Not in the way that I’m thinking about it for myself–I’m actually very mentally healthy right now and I really don’t like seasonal depression is going to be an issue for me this year. Let’s hope I didn’t just jinx that though.

But suicide has just been everywhere. My friend had to fly home for his cousin’s funeral a few weeks ago. My friend at school lost his best friend the week before classes started, and the suicide note was written to him. I’ve been noticing all of a sudden how many friends of mine have the semicolon tattoo. Beautiful, hilarious, intelligent and kind friends of mine. And it makes me wonder whether or not they see that. It makes me realize how little I know about what truly goes on in my friends’ minds.

So, I don’t know, I guess I’ve been a little down lately thinking about all this stuff. And every time I try to write about it, the post just gets depressing and I hate that I bummed myself out by thinking about what everyone else has to deal with because it feels like I’m, I don’t know, mooching off of feelings? Or like I don’t have the right. I really can’t articulate the strange shame I feel, but I never finish writing it thinking, “this is good. I’m gonna publish this.”

So there’s your post, Sarah. (lol)

Sorry I’ve been a little all over the place lately. I don’t really know where my head’s at. And I guess sorry for no longer using my blog to figure that stuff out. I feel like it just got too repetitive. Like how many times have I written about why I started this blog? Or how many times have I said “I’m writing for clarity!” It was boring me, so I’m sure it was boring all of you.

Wow. I really don’t want to post this.

This is the kind of thing that I end up deleting and immediately trying to forget about.

But, what the hell, let’s just hit publish.

I think I just want Sarah (or whoever else) to log on and think, “oh wow, she wrote today!”

Sincerely,

Sammy

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SHOUTOUT TO MY BROTHER

Dear Reader,

It’s interesting to think of how I talk about my family. Most everyone who knows me knows about Sarah (because she’s constantly featured on my twitter/instagram/blog/facebook/snapchat). Yes, we all know she’s amazing and adorable and kind-hearted and sensitive because I showcase her all the time.

Then we have my parents, who I try to refrain from mentioning on here–at least when it’s negative. Most people know about my mom, though. A simple Canadian with outstanding manners (my favorite example is how she apologizes to Siri when she is misinterpreted). She’s a very typical stay-at-home mom who my friends adore, and then there’s my dad who is a very typical working dad. A family doctor in town who gets home between 5 and 6 and tends to spend the rest of the night working alone in the basement or watching shows with my mom or playing poker with some guys in the community. And it’s not like he was an absent father or anything, but because we don’t have the best relationship, I tend to hold back my feelings (or at least save them for my journal). Because, to be honest, our relationship has a lot of ups and downs (or a lot of downs with the occasional up) and I don’t think constantly sharing my side of the story publicly on a website that he could potentially find one day is a good idea in the slightest.

I will say this, though: while we butt heads on just about everything, the most important thing he has taught me is the value of family. A little ironic, right? But he was married once before he met my mom and together, him and Carol had Caitlin, my older half-sister. She’s another family member that many people don’t know about. She grew up in a house two hours away from us and we did see her fairly often (considering how busy we all kept ourselves), but that alone was enough to keep us from having a “typical” sibling relationship, I think. I still 100% call her my sister (“half” if I’m clarifying) and I love her family dearly, it was just different.

But, as the title indicates, this post is inspired by my brother–who is frequently forgotten by my friends (just as much as Caitlin) which is a little odd if you think about it because he is only one year ahead of me and seventeen months older. But we’ve had an interesting relationship. It started off great, back when Sarah was the third wheel and Sean and I were best buds, but then we were put in the same class (a 4th grade/5th grade experiment) and that was where we honed our most defining qualities to one another: my annoyingness and his tendency to be a dick.

Then we just kind of grew up wanting more distance. We could still be civil and get along, but I think being grouped together for so long was really damaging. I don’t know how he felt about me, but I mostly just hated being in his shadow. He was always hilarious and the class clown and going on adventures with his big friend group and having funny stories to tell. Meanwhile, I was hiding away in my room because I was somewhere between introverted and constantly self-conscience and I still had no idea who I was.

He had always been so sure, though. And, of course, sibling rivalry kicked in because he was always better at soccer and smarter naturally and didn’t have to try to get people to like him. I was always just a little behind.

When he went to college, though, I think we got the separation we needed. He was suddenly at the other edge of the state and we hardly ever saw each other. And I think that’s helping us repair this relationship.

But that’s the other thing, I don’t know if he wants the relationship repaired, because he surely could get by without it. He has the same family as I do, but he gets different things from different people. He has a dad he truly looks up to and a sweet mom who is always just trying to do everything right. He has a half-sister who has her own hilarious family and is a blast to hang out with, and he has a younger sister who adores him and can actually maintain a healthy relationship. And then there’s me–someone who can fight with him for hours and knows how to annoy the hell out of him.

But he probably doesn’t need that in his life.

Okay, this post kind of took a turn I wasn’t expecting (and it’s turning out to be much longer than I intended), but my whole point of this was to talk about a new resolution I have: to re-connect with my family. Because today I was sitting in EDP and we were talking about creativity and I was thinking to myself how Sean is one of the most creative people I know. And I don’t know if he knows that, because I’ve never told him.

So I want to make some changes this year because whenever I see stories of sisters who don’t get along or don’t particularly like each other or are just missing out on the relationship that I get to have with my sister, I am saddened to the point of tears. It’s why I cried during Frozen and it’s why I cried last week while watching a short video called “Where’s Molly” for class.

And then I think, some people out there have this kind of relationship with their brother. This indescribable, wonderful thing that can’t be put into words because it’s just the simple fact that revolves around the importance of family. And I don’t want to grow up and have kids who don’t get to learn soccer or hear the funny stories or get to look up to their uncle, all because their mom was too stubborn for too long and refused to just grow up.

Sincerely,

Sammy

[NEW VIDEO] SARAH’S REACTION TO HER BIRTHDAY VIDEO

Dear Reader,

I’m sure this video interests no one but giving Sarah her presents this year was one of my favorite parts of break so far and I had a good time recording it and editing it (and then showing that to her and laughing about even more stupid things) so here it is for anyone who wants to watch it.

Enjoy!

Sincerely,

Sammy

HOW ARE YOU DOING?

Dear Reader,

I feel like I just came out to my parents. I think everyone does in different ways throughout their lives. The first time you get caught in a big lie. The first time they find out you’ve actually been drunk before–or the first time they piece together that you’ve had sex. You change in their eyes. You grow up.

So now I’m this grown up, living in the same house as my parents for the next six weeks, knowing fully well that they don’t see me the same way they used to. I’m not really sure how they see me now, but it’s different.

For one, every day they ask me “how are you doing?”

And not in the way that’s like, “hey! how’s it going?”

But in the way where they pick up the phone and call, which is very different than how it used to be. Or, because I’m home now, they’ll knock delicately and come in and kiss me on the head or something and ask me how I’ve been.

But they can’t really expect me to be honest.

I think that’s still the hardest part–I can’t be fully honest with them. You can’t tell the people who made you and raised you into who you are today that you hate yourself. You can’t tell them something like that and ask them not to take it personally.

You can’t tell your parents that you’ve looked at a razor longingly before and still insist that you’ve never hurt yourself. Or that you’ve never thought about killing yourself. Because once it comes out that you’ve kept a secret for so long, they realize you can do it again. And no matter how much I insist that my thoughts have never been that dark, I can’t prove it.

But how am I? Well, I’m fighting with everyone about everything. I’m still sleeping to put off responsibilities. I haven’t been able to write a blog post in days because they all eventually take a nasty and dramatic turn and I end up saving them for my journal. Oh and the dog’s been following me around all day. You know how animals always know when something’s up and are drawn to sick people or people who need to be comforted? Well I just walked from the basement to my room, back to the kitchen because I forgot something, then to Sarah’s room, and then my own (stopping at each place to do something) and Izzy hasn’t left my side.

So you tell me how you think I’m doing.

I know I shouldn’t complain, but it’s hard. I’ve felt so pathetic and weak since I’ve come home, and I can’t remember why I was so excited to be here in the first place.

Sincerely,

Sammy

MY WEEK IN HILTON HEAD

Dear Reader,

When I was younger, my family used to take a trip to Hilton Head about every other summer, but somewhere along the way the tradition died. So this year, we decided to bring it back, and it turned out to be one of my favorite weeks I’ve had this year.

This is that week.

It all began with two days spent in the car, which Sarah documented with ugly selfies of us for her snap chat story.

Then we showed up to the condo and met up with the rest of our family. It consisted of my parents, my grandparents, my aunt Susie, her son Mac and his girlfriend Ashley, and then my sister, Caitlin, my brother-in-law, Zac, and their baby, Molly.

Molly sort of stole the show for the whole week, but can you blame her?

And all in all, it was a very relaxing week. We got henna tattooes.

We found an “Island Bagel & Deli,” where we rode our bikes to one morning.

We had family jam sessions where Mac would play the chords to songs like Bohemian Rhapsody, Hey Jude, and American Pie, and the rest of us would attempt to sing along.

We went to the beach, which I found out that I hate, but took pretty pictures nonetheless.

And there was an awesome rainbow one day!

We sort of recreated a picture from our childhood (sorry I don’t have the original).

And we continued to take ugly selfies.

But then our seven days on the island came to an end, so we said our goodbyes, took our last pictures with Molly,

and headed back to Ohio, all promising that this is the start of a new family tradition, and we will return.

Sincerely,

Sammy

 

DAYS 18 & 19: THANK YOU AUNT SUSIE^2

Dear Reader,

I’m lucky enough to have two wonderful aunts who are great role models and awesome people. And they both happen to be named Susie.

My aunt on my mom’s side is really fun and crazy. She’s super outgoing and is always the subject of the crazy stories that side of the family tells. More than that, though, she’s an amazing person. She’s a great mom/sister/daughter/wife/friend and she’s a really good influence for me to have. Even though she lives 12+ hours away, she makes it a priority to come down and go to my graduation and visit me at college. And it scares me to think about how my own sister and I won’t always live so close, but when I see the relationship she keeps with my mom, I know we’ll be fine. They’re constantly talking and catching up and I love how big of a part she (and my cousins and Uncle, too) is in my life. And I don’t think I’ve ever expressed how truly thankful I am for that. But thank you, Aunt Susie.

My Aunt Susie on my father’s side is very similar. She’s the life of the party–always friendly to everyone and always counted on for a good laugh. She’s also a huge role model in my life. My aunt’s life’s work goes to her community. She’s very involved in the church and the schools and she helps people with disabilities. She actually goes above and beyond to help them, not for anything extra, but for the assurance that her clients are going to be better off after her help. She’s one of the most selfless people I know and I look up to her greatly. She’s accepting and understanding and is always always looking to help. She’s the one who told me I should start a blog last weekend! And I kind of wish I wasn’t keeping it a secret so I could’ve talked to her about it, but one day I’ll tell everyone. And then maybe she’ll see this and she’ll know how much I see her as a role model. So thank you, Aunt Susie.

Sincerely,

Sammy

PS. Song of the day: Lock Me Up – The Cab

DAY 17: THANKS SIS

Dear Reader,

I was thinking the other day about how people get to be in our lives. I don’t know if you believe in luck or fate or any of that, but if not, it can all seem pretty random. At the same time, though, it’s pretty remarkable. Every decision we make leads us somewhere with people that may (or may not) become a very big part of our lives. I mean, my best friend moved to the neighborhood from Indiana about five years ago. She almost moved back too, but her old house was sold at the very last minute.

Just think about that. Out of all the public schools and neighborhoods and houses for her parents to choose, she ended up living just down the street from me. And I can say with full confidence that if she moved back, we would not even be in touch right now (we were very new friends when she almost left).

But everything worked out and today she’s one of the most important people in my life.

So I was thinking about that the other day and thinking about how random it all is–and how scary that can be too. Because these people can just get up and leave whenever they want. They can be done with me in an instance and never see me again.

Which led me to think about how important family is.

Which made me think about how lucky I am to have Sarah Neiswander as my sister.

Sarah is younger than me by sixteen months, but is infinitely better than me. She has a bigger heart than anyone I’ve ever met. She cares about everyone and is always more than nice and respectful. Honestly, she’s the only one in the family that no one ever has a problem with.

And she’s smart and beautiful and talented and hilarious. I’m weirder with her than I am with anyone else. I’m the most honest version of myself with her, which is something I’m truly thankful for.

Sarah is always there for me. We fight about the dumbest things but when it comes down to it, I’m more protective over her than anyone else in my life. And, to quote one of the smartest people I know, I don’t protect her because she’s weak. I protect her because she’s important. She’s my baby sister, my future maid of honor, and my best friend. She makes me laugh like an idiot, feel like a queen, and inspires me to be better.

I have to thank her. She’s the best sister I could ever ask for.

And, really, I’m just thankful she continues to hang out with me.

Sincerely,

Sammy

PS. This song is perfect for this post because it combines two of Sarah’s favorite things: Ed Sheeran and dance. It’s also the best song off his most recent album: Thinking out Loud