STRANGE.R

It’s easy when you fall for a stranger. A cute guy in your Monday/Friday class. The barista at your local coffee shop. Even a guy online.

Because you can perceive them however you want, and you can romanticize a relationship out of thin air.

You know it’s ridiculous. You know you don’t actually like this person. You just like how he looks. You like something he said one time. You like the way he chooses to present himself, in those fleeting moments.

And maybe you pick up pieces here and there, clues to who he might be at his core, but this person is still not a real guy to you. Not one with potential for anything. Just one you think about when you’re bored and heading to the only setting you’ve ever seen him in.

Someone you can harmlessly enter into a daydream, because you don’t even recognize his facial features well enough to picture him vividly. You don’t know him well enough to presume how he would act, so you can make it up for him. 

He’s just a model–a starter character that you can take any way you want.

Don’t ever get to know this guy.

Don’t talk to him in line or ask him questions about his day or who he is. Don’t engage at all, because there are only two things that can come from it.

First, he can burst your bubble. And if you let your mind run wild (which is always a dangerous thing to do), this will almost always be inevitable. Because no one can compare to the man you’ve come up with who is the perfect combination of Jim Halpert, Jonathan Groff, and Chris Pratt.

Or, he can prove to you that he’s real.

Because if you start having conversations with him, if you start asking him questions, you’ll learn more about him. You’ll learn about what he’s like. You’ll learn about all you have in common. You’ll see real potential,

and then you’ll realize that none of this–of what you’ve been doing–is real.

Because a baby crush is one thing. A faceless body in a daydream is one thing, but an accepted Facebook request is another.

It’s fun to be the dreamer until you run into the reality of the one-sided relationship you’ve accidentally gotten yourself into.

So keep this man a stranger.

But if he somehow manages to turn himself into something more, just imagine him in a voting booth, checking the box for Donald Trump.

Turn him into a deal-breaker before your imagination refuses to let him go.

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PRELUDE

Dear Reader,

I don’t know about many of you, but for me, blogging is this weird but wonderful outlet where I can be creative and reflective, but still social and interactive. In that way, it’s different than a journal, but it still has many qualities of one.

My friend Ashley (CollegewithAshley) and I were talking about this the other day and, while we both agreed we’d probably never be the people to share our blog posts on our Facebook pages, we have to admit that our writing isn’t necessarily private.

And I guess it never really had that intent. The first people I told were close friends from home, and I told them it was a secret. It even took a month before I told Sarah. But now I find myself casually bringing it up in conversation and sending a link to my sorority sisters. And Ashley’s parents read hers, which is a day my blog may never see.

So it’s true: this is the censored version of me. The one who never cusses and tries to cut herself off around 500 words. (You should see my journal–I ramble on aimlessly for pages and it’s a rare day when I don’t drop the F-bomb. )

So why am I telling you this?

Specifically, because of what I’m going to post tomorrow.

I am very unsure of who I am, but I try to use my writing to help me. Writing brings me clarity. It helps me understand and explain my often misunderstood thoughts. It’s often hard for me to voice exactly how I feel, but when I’m writing, things are easier.

So tomorrow I will be posting a list of things I wish I could tell people. A list that I wrote in February after reading this article, but never posted because I thought of the people that would inevitably read it. Of Jaden and Kassara and Ashley and my sister and who knows who else.

But when it comes down to it, this list was one of the most reflective things I’ve done, and I’d like to share it. I’d like to be able to tell my closest friends things I’m only now admitting to myself and I’d like to share it with strangers on the internet who might just feel the same way.

I don’t know, maybe this’ll all make more sense when I post the list. Maybe you’ll know then why it scares me so much to publish this entry and the next. Because I’m so terrified of being this vulnerable. Because I’m so scared of even the people closest to me seeing who I really am. How I really think.

But I guess there’s no going back now.

Sincerely,

Sammy

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO TITLE THIS SO JUST READ IT IF YOU WANT

Dear Reader,

This week has truly been one of the worst of my life. I know that sounds extremely dramatic, and may be troubling to hear, but in all honesty my life has not been terrible. I haven’t had to endure many tragedies or go through anything too awful (that I can think of, at least–unless I’m just repressing some things), so understand that this is all relative.

That being said, this week I have been more tired and stressed than I have ever been before (I kid you not–I fell asleep writing a paper and when I woke up there were some very confusing sentences that lead me to believe that I actually wrote part of it in my sleep). I’ve never felt worse about myself and I’ve never been so close to a nervous breakdown for so long. Everything just seems to build up and, though I’ve let some of it out, I know it’s only a matter of time before something truly pushes me over the edge and I burst.

Now, these are just the lows. I’ve felt this low for a majority of the week, but I’ve also had some highs. I’ve had some wonderful moments this week and I’ve truly laughed much more than usual.

I guess what I’m saying is that this whole week has been one big, draining, emotional roller coaster. But that’s college I suppose.

I promise I do have a point for writing this, though. Something that all of this has done is inspired me to write. I started off the week writing more than usual (just on small projects and my working novels and things like that), but when finals week started approaching faster and faster, I had to put it all on pause. Since then, I’ve had more inspiration than I know what to do with. Everything either reminds me of a character from my book or a potential blog post or a change I could make in my lyric essay. And it’s been really hard not to give in, even though I really don’t have the time to.

So, what I’ve decided to announce, is that I think I’m going to start sharing some of my writing. I don’t know how much within the next week, considering I still have finals to worry about, but I’m going to start putting myself out there. First, probably, with stupid little thoughts I decide to fashion into something creative, but then maybe some personal essays or memoir-type writings and things like that.

Because, honestly, that’s why my blog exists. I’m just writing whatever comes to mind, sharing anything I like, and interacting with people just like me. And people much different from me.

I’m just kind of going in whatever direction I feel like, and this is how I feel right now. And  I just thought I’d let anyone know that wanted to, because this is something I’ve very much looking forward to.

Sincerely,

Sammy

PS. Song of the moment for me is Yellow Flicker Beat by Lorde. It’s from the Mockingjay soundtrack and it’s really hard to listen to without singing along.