WHY AM I WRITING? (OH RIGHT, INSOMNIA)

Dear Reader,

I can’t sleep. I’ve read a book for class. I’ve come up with scenarios in my head to try and inspire some dreams. I’ve even written down a few of these late night thoughts. 

And then I thought, Sammy, why don’t you just write something for your BLOG? 

So I started writing a list. A list of things that this blog post could be about. But then I realized that this list is not producing any quality, uplifting ideas. 

Why? Probably because it’s 2:30 and I’m sad because I’m thinking too much and my brain sort of sucks. 

My list began with: write about how uncomfortable I am. Because I literally am never comfortable in my own body. Never. I always feel too big or too pasty or too clunky or clumsy (but not in the good way). And I thought, I could write about that because that’s relatable, right? 

Except that post would be depressing as shit and I’ve already cried tonight. So no thank you. 

Then I thought, ooh your birthday’s coming up! Write about that! But my first thought was I hate birthdays. And then I thought, wow I can’t believe I’ve already reached that age. And then I thought, shit wait I’m way too young to be hating my birthday. I should be looking forward to it and making plans and texting all my friends about it…

…but instead I’m just anticipating more disappointment. And realizations. And sadness. 

And then I thought, well shit Sammy, don’t write anything at all then! Because every thought I have late at night is self deprecating and they definitely don’t deserve to be recorded–mind you, published on your blog. 

But I’m in the middle of doing that right now, aren’t I?

Where are you going with this Sammy?

Freshman year I wrote a post about how everything is harder at night. Maybe it’s because my head is spinning a mile a minute about all the mistakes I’ve made today. Maybe it’s because my house is creaking and I’m still lowkey afraid of the dark (and ghosts, and serial killers, and did I lock the front door?). Maybe it’s because I’m just alone with ME and who I am as a person and I haven’t really learned how to love myself yet. 

But the night is hard. It hasn’t always been, but suddenly now it always it. 

Yet every morning after I cry myself to sleep, I wake up with the sun and things seem easier. 

Things may never BE as simple as they seem in the morning–before you have time to over analyze it all–but they’re also never as hard as they seem at night. 

They’re just things. Things that can be dealt with in the morning. Or the afternoon. Or the early evening. 

Things that can be dealt with by myself or with the help of friends or my sister. 

Things that have no place being dealt with right now because what am I going to do about it at 3AM besides worry?

Nothing. 

3AM is not for thoughts. 3AM is for sleep.

(Actually I might tweet that lol)

And while that might be easier said than done, maybe if I repeat it enough, it’ll happen. I’ll finally sleep.

And then the morning will come and I’ll roll my eyes and laugh at this blog post because I am probably being way too dramatic for a twenty year old. 

Sincerely,

Sammy

[NEW VIDEO] SARAH’S REACTION TO HER BIRTHDAY VIDEO

Dear Reader,

I’m sure this video interests no one but giving Sarah her presents this year was one of my favorite parts of break so far and I had a good time recording it and editing it (and then showing that to her and laughing about even more stupid things) so here it is for anyone who wants to watch it.

Enjoy!

Sincerely,

Sammy

WHY I’M STARTING A YOUTUBE CHANNEL (also, SURPRISE! I’m starting a YouTube channel!!!)

Dear Reader,

That’s right! In just a little bit, I will be uploading my first ever YouTube video.

What will that video be, you ask?

An introduction of course!

That being said, it’s the worst video I’ve ever made. It’s also the best video I’ve ever made because I’ve never made a video before, but it’s very all over the place. I had to cut out a lot because I would lose my train of thought in the middle of a sentence and would never end up finishing it. And, well, basically I realized why I’ve stuck to writing all these years.

Now, that doesn’t mean that I’m going to stop making videos just because this one was awful. Because that would kind of defeat the purpose. I’m making videos because I want to get better. I want to be a great filmmaker one day. I want to be like JacksGap and Chase vs Everything in the sense that what I make is creative and beautiful and inspiring. I want to travel the world like FunforLouis. I want to be as insightful and altruistic as Carrie Hope Fletcher. I also want to have her singing voice and amazing family and awesome hair. I actually just wish I was Carrie Hope Fletcher but I don’t quite have that power, do I?

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So that’s why I’m starting to make videos. The first ones are going to be crap, and it’s really hard for me to just understand that and put myself out there anyway. And that’s because I’m terrified.

In fact, out of everything I said in this video, I think that’s the point that I get across the most. Because this is all terrifying, and I really don’t think I can stress that enough. Talking to a camera. Editing it–having to constantly listen to my voice and stare at my appearance. Then uploading it for the world to see… that’s scary.

But, like I said in the video, I’m done letting my fears hold me back. YouTube is an adventure I’ve wanted to embark on for a long (long) time, and I’ve always been too scared.

BUT NO MORE, I say.

Tomorrow (and every foreseeable Friday afterward) I am uploading a video of myself onto the internet. I want to share my ideas and connect with people and learn from them and grow. Just like I’ve done on WordPress. Because YouTube is just another way that I can express myself, so why let my fears keep me from taking advantage of that?

So hopefully this post clarifies why I’ve decided to start this channel. I’m not really sure of what exactly I’m going to be putting on it yet, but I’m excited.

I’m really, really excited.

Sincerely,

Sammy