{VIDEO} MY PILL JOURNEY: KELSEY DARRAGH

Dear Reader,

I went to the doctor’s today and I had an entire blog post written about it, all ready to post, but I decided to save it. At least for now. I’m just trying to figure out my feelings at this point and I normally don’t push “publish” unless I’m certain of my thoughts.

But not much is certain for me at this point. Except this video.

Buzzfeed had this “Mental Health Week” (which I loved) and this video is one of my favorites. I watched it within the first hour or so it was posted and about halfway through I realized that it was Kelsey Darragh telling her story.

I love Kelsey. If she’s in a Buzzfeed video, I automatically love it so much more. She’s absolutely hilarious, which is why she’s often featured in the “People Try” and “Debatable” videos. But she’s also so real and insightful, which is why she’s featured in videos like, “I’m Bipolar But I’m Not…” and this one: “My Pill Journey.”

I so relate to this story. Going into my sophomore year of high school, I was diagnosed with ADD. I think I tried four or five different medications because of things like my insurance or certain side effects like increased heart palpitations.

(In fact, it was that medication that led me to be diagnosed with POTS.)

And today I was given another prescription for antidepressants.

Because apparently depression and ADD have a venn-diagram-like-relationship in which not all depressed people have ADD and not all people with ADD are depressed, but when there is that overlap, medication tends to not have the desired effect. So you kind of have to take both to get what you want.

And that’s still what I’m trying to figure out: what do I want? What do I want to sacrifice in order to be happy? What do I accept as personality traits and what do I turn to medication to change?

That’s what my original blog post talked about, but it was kind of a mess because I simply don’t have the answers.

This video gives me hope, though. It comforts me and makes me feel not so alone. I’ve watched it over a dozen times and shared it with a lot of people–and today I’m sharing it with you.

I hope you enjoy.

Sincerely,

Sammy

 

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{TOP FIVE} I LOVE THE INTERNET

Dear Reader,

It’s finals week here at Miami and all of my friends are finding new and creative ways to be unproductive. (I walked in on five of my friends playing on Webkinz at midnight yesterday.) But I normally stick to the basics: BuzzFeed, Facebook, YouTube.

All of these are plenty distracting for me, but they also bring me a few of my favorite things–things that I want to share with all of you. So the following are a few links that either made me laugh or smile or do some deep thinking or whatever. I hope you enjoy.

FOR EVERYONE WHO THINKS HERMOINE SHOULD HAVE ENDED UP WITH HARRY.

This is obviously first because IT IS SO IMPORTANT. I sincerely hope that this article doesn’t personally speak to anyone reading my blog (I’d like to think that we all happily ship Ron and Hermoine), but just in case, I need you to take a hard look at #28 (if nothing else):

“The idea of Hermione ending up with Harry is so terrible that it is literally the result of the most evil magic ever. Literally. Do you REALLY want to support the same ‘ship as LORD VOLDEMORT?”

So I’ll just leave this here.

BILL NYE TO PLANNED PARENTHOOD DEFUNDERS: ‘YOU LITERALLY DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT’

How can you not click on a title like that?

But seriously, I love how Bill Nye was this huge character in our lives (and science classes) growing up, and now he’s just this chill af guy dropping truth bombs backed with scientific facts wherever he goes.

HOW SHIA REACTED TO EVERY ONE OF HIS MOVIES

So I love Shia LaBeouf. I think he is a fascinating and complicated little weirdo and I love everything from Rob Cantor’s “Shia LaBeouf” to Sia’s “Elastic Heart” music video. And I guess some people didn’t know this, but he recently watched all of his movies in a marathon that began with his most recent. I checked in on this a few times (had it in a separate tab during most of my studies) over the three days, but now that it’s over, there are various recaps circulating the internet. I highly recommend checking them out:

http://www.ew.com/article/2015/11/12/shia-labeouf-all-my-movies-gifs

http://www.vulture.com/2015/11/how-shia-reacted-to-every-one-of-his-movies.html#

HE TOOK A POLAROID EVERY DAY, UNTIL THE DAY HE DIED

I read this article at least a year ago, but I still find myself thinking about it every once in a while. It still kind of hurts to go through the pictures, even though I didn’t know this man. But it’s an interesting thing–this project he did. It’s definitely worth checking out.

PEE WEE FOOTBALL TEAM LOSES FOCUS WHEN WHIP NAE NAE PLAYS

I STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW SOME PEOPLE HAVE NOT SEEN THIS VIDEO. I’ve referred to this video, on multiple occasions, as my favorite video on the internet. I stand by that statement.

So those are the random links that I’ve thought about making blog posts about before but I never have. Though I guess this counts.

I hope you enjoy, and I hope you have places of the internet where you can turn when you need to smile or think or reflect. And I hope some of those places lead you down dark, dusty tunnels of the internet that lead you to gifs of Shia LaBeouf laughing at himself.

Sincerely,

Sammy

WHEN IN DOUBT, BLOG IT OUT (and thank you for 300!!!)

Dear Reader,

My friend tweeted that yesterday and I loved it. I really hesitate before posting certain entries on here if they’re about anything too serious or if I might come across in a not-too-flattering light. A lot of people I know in real life follow this blog and I never want to worry them with things I say on here, but I also don’t want to censor myself too much.

The truth of the matter is that I have been experiencing a lot of new emotions lately–or at least amplified emotions. I’ve been dealing with things that I’m not used to and I’ve even sought out therapy because of it. But, in all honesty, this is my therapy. This is the best therapy I have. Putting my thoughts down on (virtual) paper actually helps, and talking about it to people on the internet is surprisingly helpful.

And now there are 300 of you.

300 people have decided to follow this blog and get notified when I decide to try and work through these new thoughts and terrifying revelations I have. But I also share a lot of the good. Actually, I like to think that most of my blog posts are pretty upbeat and happy, or are things that I’m really excited to share.

Anyway, that’s why I wrote this post. Because when in doubt, I blog it out, and I’m really happy to have 300 people to share parts of my life with.

Have a happy Monday!

Sincerely,

Sammy

MY NEW DESKTOP/DAILY MOTIVATION

Dear Reader,

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been in kind of a rut lately. I haven’t been posting that much, which is mostly due to the fact that everything I write seems rubbish to me. Most of it I don’t even finish.

But I want to be a writer. I want to keep up with my journal and I want to keep updating my blog and I really want to finish my novels. But none of that will happen until I get out of my own way and just write.

I’ve always been kind of hard on myself when it comes to writing. I’ve never had a large vocabulary, or been able to perfectly describe what I’m trying to say–not like other people do. I see these beautiful quotes and read these books where these people, humans not so different than I, fit something so seemingly indescribable into the perfect passage. But when I try to do it, it never seems right.

And I’ll try and try, only to stumble across my writing months later and think, “what was I doing? This is crap!”

But here’s the thing: even if it is, that’s okay. Because, often, I’ll find that now I can write it better. I’m improving–even if it’s an improvement from a crappy start.

So I came across this picture the other day

It’s one that I’ve seen before, but I’ve forgotten about. And that’s often the problem. I’ll find these quotes all over the internet that instantly inspire me to get to work, but then the next day, they’ll be gone from my memory.

So, I made a change. And now it’s my background.

So, I will be posting more now. Maybe I’ll post more of my writing. Maybe I’ll keep going with the book reviews, or go back to the weekly updates. Maybe I’ll try poetry!

And maybe it’ll suck. But I like to think that it’ll get better, one day. I’ve just got to get there.

Sincerely,

Sammy

IF WE WERE HAVING COFFEE [5/29/2015]

Dear Reader,

If we were having coffee, you would be my best friend. Because you would know that all I need right now is a caramel frappuccino and maybe a muffin. And you would know to take me to a coffee shop no closer than 30 minutes from my house because I need to get out of this place. And you would absolutely know to steer me to the most comfortable, cushioned chairs by the window because we would be there for a while. Because I really need to vent.

If we were having coffee, I’d first tell you about when I went to Target today. How, on an impulse, I leaped from my bed and ran after my mother as she called “goodbye,” just to make her take me with her. And how I wasn’t going to buy anything, but then realized how much I actually do need (Target does that to you), and how I spent almost $100. But I’d tell you how my card kept declining, so my mother ended up paying–after I promised that I’d pay her back.

I’d tell you about how I got into the car and opened up my Huntington app, only to realize that I didn’t have close to $1,000 on it like I had thought. Instead, I was down to less than $70. I’d tell you how my heart sank as I slowly pieced together that these latest purchases were not made by me. I’d tell you how we drove to the nearest Huntington, my mind racing, thinking of this anonymous thief who just dropped $450 of my money at Urban Outfitters. I’d tell you how I sat, motionless, on the other side of the desk, as the Huntington manager calculated that this person had spent over $700 in the two days they had my information.

I’d assure you that everything’s okay now. That, somehow, I’ll be reimbursed for this money because I filled out the forms for fraud. And even though I don’t know how this person got my information or who they are or how to prevent this in the future, it’s okay.

Then I’d have to change the subject because I can’t talk about this anymore.

So we’d talk about you and your summer and how things have been going on your end. And if you’re anything like my other friends, you’d tell me all about your travels and you’d show me your instagram account, full of pictures of you moving from one exotic location to the next. You’d tell me about your adventures and I’d absent-mindedly sip my drink until the last drop, listening intently to all of your fascinating stories. I’d probably laugh and say that the craziest thing about my summer so far is the failure of a party that Sean and I threw. Then I’d shake my head because I don’t really want to talk about that either.

If we were having coffee, I’d stretch my legs out onto the coffee table (don’t mind that I haven’t shaved in a while), and talk about how excited I am for the future–because that’s really the only good thing I’ve got going for me right now. That’s really the only thing I love to talk about–because it can be anything, and it can be wonderful. And my life right now is just boring, and everything I do feels like a waste of time.

But I’d tell you about my dreams. And how I hope right now that I’ll save up enough money to buy myself a nice video camera for Christmas and document the year of 2016. Sarah’s graduation and my summer in Luxembourg and who knows where else that year will take me.

I would tell you all of this if we were having coffee, and I hope that once I was done blabbing on, you would make me get in the car and drive out to some place really cool that I’ve never been before, and force me to actually have one of these adventures that I always plan but never execute.

And then before we part ways, you would pick a date for the next time we can get coffee together. And you’d tell me I’d better have a better story than that lame one about the time when my parents caught us in the aftermath of a party.

Sincerely,

Sammy

I’M LOVING BLOGLOVIN’

<a href=”http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/13598767/?claim=hnxdfs7hky2″>Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>

Dear Reader,

During my year or exploration here on WordPress, I’ve come across “bloglovin” many times. But it wasn’t until yesterday that I decided to take a look for myself.

And let me tell you, I should’ve done this a long time ago.

So far, Bloglovin appears to me as a mixture of Pinterest and WordPress. It makes it easier to read from your favorite blogs and keep up with your favorite bloggers, as well as organize your favorites so you can revisit them.

I only joined yesterday, but I was really surprised and flattered to find that my blog was already on it (even though it only had one follower). Still, I’m glad to have found this website and thought I’d share the joy.

Sincerely,

Sammy

LET’S TAKE A WALK THROUGH MY CAMERA ROLL {WEEK ?}

Hey guys,

This is awkward.

I haven’t posted a traditional weekly review (pictures and all) in, what, a month? A month and a half? I’m not going to check, but I don’t really have all that great of an excuse. I guess all I can say is that life gets kind of hard sometimes, and I’ll probably talk more about that in a separate post, but that’s not what this is for.

Let’s remember what this is for. On January 1st, 2015, I decided I would be taking pictures throughout my year and share them on my blog every week so I can document and, therefore, remember some truly great moments at the end of my year.

Now, I’ve been pretty bad at documenting some “truly great moments” for the past few weeks but, nevertheless, I’m going to share what I’ve got. Let’s begin.

I guess it all kind of started when I came back to school, which, let’s be honest, I was not all too excited for. You want to know why? Because this is what happens to me at school.

And this.

These were taken three days apart. Yay.

But school still means I get to see my friends

and partake in some pretty memorable nights.

And, I’ve got to say, I have some pretty great friends.

Friends who will go to Pulley with you at 1am

and make you fraps

and smoothies

and buy you pizza when they’re drunk.

And I’m proud to say that I’m starting a new friendship with fellow blogger Taisie. A friendship that should’ve started months ago, but the letter sort of got lost in the mail. I guess that’s the downside of doing things the old fashioned way.

Still, I’m excited to finally have a pen pal! I just have to get around to figuring out how to mail my response. (College is kind of confusing. Can I buy stamps with Mulaa?)

And then this past weekend, a friend in high school came and visited me. And, because she’ll be coming here next year, I had to show her a true Miami weekend.

She sent this to her mom.

So I sent it to mine.

Also, while going through my camera roll, I noticed I like to take snapchats of food (that I mostly just send to Sarah).

I’m really going to miss Miami Dining this summer.

Other random things: I found a new favorite spot on campus (Benson)

and I got a new sweatshirt for initiation because my parents know me so well.

Sean, my brother, also turned 20 so I posted this throwback that I find hilarious

There’s also a screenshot of Thomas Saunders because he makes me so happy, and just look at his face!

Plus screenshots from my time hop, where tweets from last year’s spring break kept popping up. To date that is my favorite vacation ever.

And there’s a sneak peak of my new book that just makes me laugh. (Oh yeah, I started another book, and I wrote over 20k words in less than two weeks, so that’s another reason why I went MIA).

Finally, there’s this picture.

And this one because I couldn’t decide which I liked better.

But that was the day I shared my 100th post on here, and broke my record for most likes in a day. And the next day, I shared something really personal and got some truly heartwarming responses. It never ceases to amaze me how supportive this website has been for me. And it really means more than I ever thought.

I don’t know, it’s just nice to have something you’re so proud of be shared with people who are eager to see what you want to do next.

Still, it’s kind of weird that this is kept secret from so many people in my life. But this message that my sister sent me really made me laugh.

I think it’s a good deal.

PRELUDE

Dear Reader,

I don’t know about many of you, but for me, blogging is this weird but wonderful outlet where I can be creative and reflective, but still social and interactive. In that way, it’s different than a journal, but it still has many qualities of one.

My friend Ashley (CollegewithAshley) and I were talking about this the other day and, while we both agreed we’d probably never be the people to share our blog posts on our Facebook pages, we have to admit that our writing isn’t necessarily private.

And I guess it never really had that intent. The first people I told were close friends from home, and I told them it was a secret. It even took a month before I told Sarah. But now I find myself casually bringing it up in conversation and sending a link to my sorority sisters. And Ashley’s parents read hers, which is a day my blog may never see.

So it’s true: this is the censored version of me. The one who never cusses and tries to cut herself off around 500 words. (You should see my journal–I ramble on aimlessly for pages and it’s a rare day when I don’t drop the F-bomb. )

So why am I telling you this?

Specifically, because of what I’m going to post tomorrow.

I am very unsure of who I am, but I try to use my writing to help me. Writing brings me clarity. It helps me understand and explain my often misunderstood thoughts. It’s often hard for me to voice exactly how I feel, but when I’m writing, things are easier.

So tomorrow I will be posting a list of things I wish I could tell people. A list that I wrote in February after reading this article, but never posted because I thought of the people that would inevitably read it. Of Jaden and Kassara and Ashley and my sister and who knows who else.

But when it comes down to it, this list was one of the most reflective things I’ve done, and I’d like to share it. I’d like to be able to tell my closest friends things I’m only now admitting to myself and I’d like to share it with strangers on the internet who might just feel the same way.

I don’t know, maybe this’ll all make more sense when I post the list. Maybe you’ll know then why it scares me so much to publish this entry and the next. Because I’m so terrified of being this vulnerable. Because I’m so scared of even the people closest to me seeing who I really am. How I really think.

But I guess there’s no going back now.

Sincerely,

Sammy

WEEK 13: IF WE WERE HAVING COFFEE…

Dear Reader,

If we were having coffee, I would probably spend the first twenty minutes ranting about my computer. I’d tell you how it was working fine, and was almost fully charged, when the log-in screen froze. I’d explain that I shut it down and didn’t touch it for two hours, and when I turned it back on, there was a flashing folder icon with a question mark on it. I then took it to Shriver’s IT Tech place, and found out that there is a very good chance I could lose everything.

I’d tell you that I have pictures on there and pieces I’ve written that are irreplaceable. I’d explain that I’ve kept a journal on a word document since the sixth grade, and I’d admit how scared I am that it might now be gone.

Then I’d probably have to change the subject because it makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

So I’d tell you about my spring break. How it was really relaxing and I got to see some really good friends of mine that I’ve really missed. I’d explain why my phone was dead for the majority of break, but I’d tell you how much I actually liked being disconnected for a while. How good it felt to have no responsibilities, and just be able to watch episodes of Chuck and The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt on Netflix.

I’d ask you how your spring break went, of course, and if you went somewhere warm or exciting I’d tell you how jealous I am of you, and beg you to bring me along with you next time. I’d tell you how it snowed one day in Perrysburg.

I’d probably share some of my favorite things with you, if we were having coffee. I’d say, “You know who I’ve been obsessed with recently?” and you’d ask “who?” and I’d say “Hozier.” Then I’d talk about how amazing his full album is and how his Pandora is always on point.

I’d also lend you Jenny Lawson’s memoir, which I just finished today. I’d probably pull it out and read you the whole chapter titled, “And That’s Why You Should Pick Your Battles,” because it’s the best chapter in the whole book. I’d explain how I write down quotes from the books that I read to put in a jar and reflect upon, come 2016, and I’d tell you that there are probably 20 from this book going in there. I’d tell you how embarrassed I would get when I read it in public because it made me laugh out loud so much.

“Speaking of books!” I’d say. “Have you seen all these Youtubers coming out with books all of a sudden?!” We’d talk about how weird it is that 18-year-olds are writing memoirs and their life stories, but we’d both probably agree that we’d eventually read the ones by Carrie Hope Fletcher, Connor Franta, Shane Dawson, Tanya Burr, Dan & Phil, Mamrie, and Shay’s. Then we’d complain about how expensive books can be and how poor we are.

I’d tell you all of this if we were having coffee, but I’d probably have to cut our get-together short because I have two papers due tomorrow that I have yet to complete. You’d wish me luck on the long night I have ahead of me and I’d promise to text you sometime next week to schedule another date. We’d agree that we need to have more of these.

Sincerely,

Sammy

I’M AN ADULT NOW {WEEK 12}

Dear Reader,

Every time I sit down to write my week in review, something goes wrong–and it always seems to happen with the pictures. Either wordpress malfunctions and won’t let me upload them, or my phone won’t send them to my computer via iMessage or, most recently, my email account won’t open on my web browser. Then, I’ll try troubleshooting for about five minutes before giving up and telling myself I’ll go back to it later, but I’ll forget and then sometimes a week goes by and I haven’t written a thing.

So, I’m just going to give a few highlights from the past two weeks, and I’ll edit the post later to add all the snap chats and random pictures that’ll add a bit of clarification to this mess.(Keep in mind that I write all of these with the pictures sitting next to me, so a lot of this doesn’t make much sense quite yet. Oops).

First, I finally went to Beat the Clock with some friends:

And Green Beer Day happened, but I look gross in all the pictures, so enjoy this shot of my friend drinking from a wine glass that was bigger than her head:

I FaceTimed Sarah a lot while waiting to FINALLY see her again:

And then I went to her show choir competition where they placed 3rd overall and Sarah got the award of best female dance of everyone!

Oh and Pi Day happened and my tweet got 3 retweets and 14 favorites which was pretty cool (s/o to Jaden for noticing and sending me this screenshot):

And sometimes I take pics like this to let Sarah know that I know she was my sister first and will always be the realest (I’m wearing a Phi Mu hat but her sweatshirt–kind of hard to see):

And of course we were reunited this week:

So we had to send some snaps to my brother

who is obviously sad he’s missing out on our sibling bonding

OH AND IN OTHER NEWS: I’m an adult. When I was a sophomore, I lost a baby tooth, and I thought that was the end of it. But nope, this is the end.

My tooth broke off a bit in my mouth maybe a week ago and I went in on Monday to get a filling, but my dentist noticed that this was, in fact, my last baby tooth. (They had a good chuckle when I told them that I’m 18).

So, the nurse goes, “no filling?” and he turns to me and, in his booming voice, exclaims, “I’m not fixing this! I’m gonna numb you up and pull that sucker out!” Such a sensitive one, that one.

But no picture. Because that’s gross.

So that’s what’s been happening in my life. Hope everyone else is somewhere sunnier and warmer than where I am (it’s snowing right now).

Sincerely,

Sammy

PS. Do yourself a favor and listen to the entire Hozier album if you haven’t done so already–Jackie and Wilson and Like Real People Do and Someone New are my current favorites (because it’s so hard to choose just one).