I can’t sleep. I’ve read a book for class. I’ve come up with scenarios in my head to try and inspire some dreams. I’ve even written down a few of these late night thoughts.
And then I thought, Sammy, why don’t you just write something for your BLOG?
So I started writing a list. A list of things that this blog post could be about. But then I realized that this list is not producing any quality, uplifting ideas.
Why? Probably because it’s 2:30 and I’m sad because I’m thinking too much and my brain sort of sucks.
My list began with: write about how uncomfortable I am. Because I literally am never comfortable in my own body. Never. I always feel too big or too pasty or too clunky or clumsy (but not in the good way). And I thought, I could write about that because that’s relatable, right?
Except that post would be depressing as shit and I’ve already cried tonight. So no thank you.
Then I thought, ooh your birthday’s coming up! Write about that! But my first thought was I hate birthdays. And then I thought, wow I can’t believe I’ve already reached that age. And then I thought, shit wait I’m way too young to be hating my birthday. I should be looking forward to it and making plans and texting all my friends about it…
…but instead I’m just anticipating more disappointment. And realizations. And sadness.
And then I thought, well shit Sammy, don’t write anything at all then! Because every thought I have late at night is self deprecating and they definitely don’t deserve to be recorded–mind you, published on your blog.
But I’m in the middle of doing that right now, aren’t I?
Where are you going with this Sammy?
Freshman year I wrote a post about how everything is harder at night. Maybe it’s because my head is spinning a mile a minute about all the mistakes I’ve made today. Maybe it’s because my house is creaking and I’m still lowkey afraid of the dark (and ghosts, and serial killers, and did I lock the front door?). Maybe it’s because I’m just alone with ME and who I am as a person and I haven’t really learned how to love myself yet.
But the night is hard. It hasn’t always been, but suddenly now it always it.
Yet every morning after I cry myself to sleep, I wake up with the sun and things seem easier.
Things may never BE as simple as they seem in the morning–before you have time to over analyze it all–but they’re also never as hard as they seem at night.
They’re just things. Things that can be dealt with in the morning. Or the afternoon. Or the early evening.
Things that can be dealt with by myself or with the help of friends or my sister.
Things that have no place being dealt with right now because what am I going to do about it at 3AM besides worry?
3AM is not for thoughts. 3AM is for sleep.
(Actually I might tweet that lol)
And while that might be easier said than done, maybe if I repeat it enough, it’ll happen. I’ll finally sleep.
And then the morning will come and I’ll roll my eyes and laugh at this blog post because I am probably being way too dramatic for a twenty year old.