MAYBE APRIL IS ALWAYS HARD

Dear Reader,

I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned this or not, but I’m collecting stuff from this year and turning it into a book. It’s not really for anyone–it’s just a glorified journal, really. In fact, with the posts I’ve been writing so far, I probably won’t want anyone else to read it.

Anyway, I’m organizing the stuff for April because I just realized that it’s almost halfway over, and looking back through it all, it’s been pretty rocky.

And then looking back to last year’s April–well, that was really rocky, too. (I can’t even listen to my April (2015) playlist in order because it automatically causes tears to spring to my eyes)

But maybe April is always hard. Maybe it’s the pressure of final deadlines and the struggle of not being able to combat my laziness/habits that come with ADD. I actually already wrote a post for tonight about how much I hate being a person with ADD, but that turned out to be really self-deprecating and just mean (I didn’t feel like holding back), so I decided not to post it.

Tucked it away for my journal, instead.

And then I looked back at the journal entries I’ve made throughout April and all the other blog posts I haven’t been able to publish because they’re too dark or whatever–and then I went on my Instagram.

I’ve been doing this picture-a-day challenge and everyday, there’s a new picture of me, grinning wide, often with people, looking so happy.

My April looks so happy.

And at times, it has been. I’ve had some good memories this month and I’ve taken pictures with people who mean a lot to me.

But I’ve also cried in class.

I’ve also stayed awake all night, worrying about all the stuff I need to do,

all the while, not being able to gain the momentum to get it done.

I’ve questioned just about everything I’ve done this semester

and I’m pretty sure I’ve done just about everything wrong.

So here I am, writing this in the library. It’s past midnight so the weekend is over. The week I’m dreading has technically begun, and it’s that time of year where I need this semester to be over just as much as I need more time.

I know I’ll get through it, though. I know May will come and soon I’ll be home with my sister and April will just be a memory I can forget.

But until then, I’ll just keep smiling in my selfies and save my thoughts for my journal.

Sincerely,

Sammy

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8 thoughts on “MAYBE APRIL IS ALWAYS HARD

  1. keneshiappetty says:

    Dear Sammy,

    Your April is my November. Thank you for sharing. I wish you all the best to get through this; I know you’ll do just fine.

  2. mebeki says:

    Hey, I really enjoyed this. It really resonated with me; my April has been kind of terrible, too. But I hope things start looking up for you soon 🙂

    • sincerelysammy says:

      Thank you for your comment and I’m sorry that we’re in the same boat here. I have hope things will turn around (preferably sooner rather than later) and I hope you do too. xx

  3. Ericka says:

    I understand your struggle with a hectic schedule while also dealing with ADD. I suffer from ADHD but I made the decision to not have any medical help with my condition. ADD & ADHD have turned it a “Hyper Kid” syndrome and for some it is but for others, it is a hard battle to deal with every day. I am right there with you and want you to know you are not alone. If you ever want to talk about it or share your “dark” blog posts with me, I am willing to listen and read.

    • sincerelysammy says:

      Thank you so much for that support, I might take you up on that offer. I’m always interested in others with the same/similar diagnosis as me, and I, too, rejected my medicine for a while–especially because of that stigma. It was worse for me, though, to be without it and I ended up going back. I really don’t regret that decision, though, because I’m (overall at least) happier. As long as you’re sure about your decision, I’m happy for you too. 🙂 It seems that there will just always be a struggle of some sort, we just all each have to find the best medicine that works for us–and for some that requires no prescription at all.

      • Ericka says:

        Exactly, but it is sometimes a struggle for people to understand that. I for one didn’t feel like myself when taking the medicine and that was the final straw for me to stop. I am always open to listen. I haven’t quite got the courage to write a post about my ADHD, but eventually I will get there.

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