I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned this or not, but I’m collecting stuff from this year and turning it into a book. It’s not really for anyone–it’s just a glorified journal, really. In fact, with the posts I’ve been writing so far, I probably won’t want anyone else to read it.
Anyway, I’m organizing the stuff for April because I just realized that it’s almost halfway over, and looking back through it all, it’s been pretty rocky.
And then looking back to last year’s April–well, that was really rocky, too. (I can’t even listen to my April (2015) playlist in order because it automatically causes tears to spring to my eyes)
But maybe April is always hard. Maybe it’s the pressure of final deadlines and the struggle of not being able to combat my laziness/habits that come with ADD. I actually already wrote a post for tonight about how much I hate being a person with ADD, but that turned out to be really self-deprecating and just mean (I didn’t feel like holding back), so I decided not to post it.
Tucked it away for my journal, instead.
And then I looked back at the journal entries I’ve made throughout April and all the other blog posts I haven’t been able to publish because they’re too dark or whatever–and then I went on my Instagram.
I’ve been doing this picture-a-day challenge and everyday, there’s a new picture of me, grinning wide, often with people, looking so happy.
My April looks so happy.
And at times, it has been. I’ve had some good memories this month and I’ve taken pictures with people who mean a lot to me.
But I’ve also cried in class.
I’ve also stayed awake all night, worrying about all the stuff I need to do,
all the while, not being able to gain the momentum to get it done.
I’ve questioned just about everything I’ve done this semester
and I’m pretty sure I’ve done just about everything wrong.
So here I am, writing this in the library. It’s past midnight so the weekend is over. The week I’m dreading has technically begun, and it’s that time of year where I need this semester to be over just as much as I need more time.
I know I’ll get through it, though. I know May will come and soon I’ll be home with my sister and April will just be a memory I can forget.
But until then, I’ll just keep smiling in my selfies and save my thoughts for my journal.