Dear Reader,
I feel like I just came out to my parents. I think everyone does in different ways throughout their lives. The first time you get caught in a big lie. The first time they find out you’ve actually been drunk before–or the first time they piece together that you’ve had sex. You change in their eyes. You grow up.
So now I’m this grown up, living in the same house as my parents for the next six weeks, knowing fully well that they don’t see me the same way they used to. I’m not really sure how they see me now, but it’s different.
For one, every day they ask me “how are you doing?”
And not in the way that’s like, “hey! how’s it going?”
But in the way where they pick up the phone and call, which is very different than how it used to be. Or, because I’m home now, they’ll knock delicately and come in and kiss me on the head or something and ask me how I’ve been.
But they can’t really expect me to be honest.
I think that’s still the hardest part–I can’t be fully honest with them. You can’t tell the people who made you and raised you into who you are today that you hate yourself. You can’t tell them something like that and ask them not to take it personally.
You can’t tell your parents that you’ve looked at a razor longingly before and still insist that you’ve never hurt yourself. Or that you’ve never thought about killing yourself. Because once it comes out that you’ve kept a secret for so long, they realize you can do it again. And no matter how much I insist that my thoughts have never been that dark, I can’t prove it.
But how am I? Well, I’m fighting with everyone about everything. I’m still sleeping to put off responsibilities. I haven’t been able to write a blog post in days because they all eventually take a nasty and dramatic turn and I end up saving them for my journal. Oh and the dog’s been following me around all day. You know how animals always know when something’s up and are drawn to sick people or people who need to be comforted? Well I just walked from the basement to my room, back to the kitchen because I forgot something, then to Sarah’s room, and then my own (stopping at each place to do something) and Izzy hasn’t left my side.
So you tell me how you think I’m doing.
I know I shouldn’t complain, but it’s hard. I’ve felt so pathetic and weak since I’ve come home, and I can’t remember why I was so excited to be here in the first place.
Sincerely,
Sammy
SINCERELY, SAMMY 
I totally get this! As much as I love home, I am starting to appreciate my own space at college more and more. My parents haven’t found out that I have been drunk and I’m not gay nor sexually active, but it was really hard the first time I told my mom that I was depressed. She had never wanted to see me like that or admit that I was acting different, so for me to come out and say it was really hard. She denied it, told me that I would be fine. She didn’t understand how to take it. But I completely understand what it is like for them to start acting different. I hope it gets better girl! ❤
Thanks for your comment–it really means a lot! Yeah they’re kind of in the denial stage right now, I think, just based on some of the comments they’ve been making. And when they found out I’ve been drunk and to parties and stuff, it was easier because my older brother was there with me and we were both kind of casually hinting at it. Then it just kind of turned into this fact that was accepted, but it was probably easier because they figured it was something that all teens/young adults do.
I think it’s just harder for parents to be told that their kids are depressed because I’m sure the first thing they do is reflect on what they’ve done–when it might not be anything like that at all. I hope your mom has come around since you told her, though. Hopefully my parents will too.
And yeah, I’m not sexually active either, so hopefully that will be a realization made when I’m fully out of the house.
My mom has definitely come around to it, but she did start thinking about how it was her fault, but I assured that I didn’t think it was. I think it was a mix of a bunch of different things. I don’t think my parents could ever accept knowing I have been to a party. It is extremely out of character of me and they have these high standards for me and I think they might die if they had to come to terms with that fact lol
Um ya definitely. I am sure once you hit like 22 and have a real boyfriend who could become something they will understand, but I don’t think I would ever be able to come right out and say it.
But anyway, I really loved this post and I enjoyed your sincere, heartfelt words! ❤
Thank you–I’ve enjoyed yours as well. 🙂 And yeah my dad asked me what “exactly” it was that caused me to feel depressed and I tried to explain that I can’t pinpoint it–that it’s a mix of things. I just think they have a hard time understanding that if they haven’t experienced it (which is understandable). I am really happy to not feel alone in going through something like this, though. I love that kind of community that comes with WordPress. 🙂
As a parent of four, I found your thoughts perfectly normal and something so many young people go through. As the mother of two children who’ve been depressed, I hope you’ve got someone to talk to about stuff. Don’t let it get out of hand (depression has the tendency to feed on itself). Try and find ways of dealing with it until it passes. If you can’t find the strength to do this, find someone who can help you. Your doctor can put you in touch with someone’s, I’m sure. Not knowing which country you’re in, I can’t really say more than that, but please don’t hold it in. Remember, you are a wonderful, unique person – there’s only one you – and you are important. You just don’t realise how, who to. Give yourself a chance & try to appreciate the good things about yourself!
(((Hug)))
Thank you so much for this comment! Your kind words are just what I need to hear right now and it means so much to me that you took the time to write them. I will definitely be taking your advice and will continue to look for better ways to deal with this before it does get worse, as well as look for someone to talk to. Your kids are so lucky to have had you as their mother. Thank you again for your sweet comment.
If ever you need to talk, you can message me on Twitter ( @alpha_annelisa ) xx
Thank you xx