So. It’s 2015 and it seems like everyone who’s anyone has a blog. Or, actually, just everyone has one.
And I’ve realized this more and more because the phrase “I have a blog,” is no longer followed with “what?! what do you even write about??” but instead, “where is it? I have one too!”
And really, I’m okay with more and more people finding out my blog… to some extent. I still don’t see a day where I tell my parents or a time where I share my posts on my Facebook. And yeah my heart still speeds up a bit when someone says they “found” me–but that’s mostly because I’m on YouTube now (which is still terrifying).
Here’s the thing: I love this blog. I am incredibly self conscious and can be truly introverted at times, but on here, I can still share myself with others while hiding behind a screen. I can edit whatever I say and not have to worry about tripping over the words as they tumble out of my mouth. I don’t have to be self-conscious of my ever-reddening face when the attention turns to me in a group of people.
I get to put out this version of myself on the internet–to a bunch of strangers–that can actually convey thoughts I’m having in the most public way I’d choose to display them. And I can go as personal as I choose, but still save plenty for my own private journal.
Still, though, I’m scared. I already feel like I’ve had to censor myself a lot last year because I didn’t want people like my sister or my roommate worrying about me–especially when I was so certain that there was nothing to worry about in the first place.
That was back when 4 people I knew in real life read my blog. Now there are possibly ten others (maybe more) with the url. Oh, and apparently it’s possible to find me from a simple Google search of who even knows what keywords.
But I just want to make a disclaimer, and an explanation for what I even do on this blog. Because, yes, there are truly interesting people out there who have fantastic blogs. There are people dealing with very real problems who blog about them. And there are people who are living crazy lives or have amazing stories that they share with their followers.
As for me? Well, I’m going to be a teacher so I’m always subconsciously censoring myself and refraining from using profanity or discussing certain topics. And I try to reflect on the good as much as possible, but sometimes the bad leaks through and I need to vent to a place with an audience, rather than my private journal. But my writing isn’t beautiful, my life isn’t an adventure, and, well, at this point in my life I’m deeply unfulfilled.
Yet, I have a blog.
And a YouTube channel, for that matter.
I don’t know. It’s late and I felt like making a disclaimer for being a typical Generation Y yuppie who was raised to believe I was special and have something to say (or at least a beautiful way to say it), when in fact, I’m just… not. I guess.
But WordPress at least makes me want to be. Or makes me want to try harder, I suppose. So every once in a while I’ll try writing something or try being creative. Or I’ll take more pictures than I usually do because, well, I have a corner of the internet where I can share them.
So I think I’m going to make a new introduction soon. A new explanation of why this blog is here and a “welcome” to all those out here who haven’t been with me from the beginning. And to those who know me in real life. Because, God, I feel like this is a disappointment to them more than anyone.
But maybe that’s just because it’s 1AM and instead of sleeping, I’m overanalyzing every aspect of my life.
You know, as one does.