LET’S TALK ABOUT MINDFULNESS (and what really happened my freshman year)

Dear Reader,

I came across a video yesterday that I felt I needed to share. I can’t fully describe what I felt as I watched it, except that it sort of gave me the answers that I wasn’t fully aware I was looking for yet. Does that make sense?

Well, anyway, I need to share it. So here it is:

And now I’ll tell you why.

I’ve mentioned before how difficult freshman year was for me and how challenging the transition was, but I haven’t gone into much depth about it. I felt very overwhelmingly sad a lot, but I never thought it was depression. I know what depression is–I know it’s a chemical imbalance in the brain. Even more, I know it requires more than just “thinking happy thoughts” to be resolved. But this sadness that I was feeling didn’t feel like that.

It felt like loneliness. And self hatred. And extreme, unbearable laziness.

So I did some research, called the health center, and scheduled an appointment with a therapist.

I could write an entirely separate post about that therapy session, because it brought out so many emotions and was such a terrifying and new experience for me, but I’ll keep it short for now. I went and talked to a very nice middle-aged man, and he basically told me straight off the bat that he thought I was depressed.

I don’t know how valid this diagnosis was, or if he was just speculating or assuming or what, but I’m still coming to terms with that. Because I still don’t know that I fully believe that it was depression. I still don’t want to label it as something that can be so serious, when, for me, it felt like I was just wallowing in my room all day being sad and lonely–which is not the same.

Here’s another video I found this week that perfectly describes what I was feeling this year–better than I can, at least.

So, that’s where I was at. Faking happiness. Not sure what I was going through. Not sure who was even there that I could talk to about it.

And that kind of brings us up to date all the way to today. I’ve been thinking about this concept of happiness a lot lately. I’ve tried to reflect on times when I feel the most happy and I try to repeat them in my mind over and over, so I can remind myself what it feels like. I’ve read The Happiness Project and made lists of resolutions for myself to keep. I’ve decided to go with the mindset: you are not happy now, but you will be once again. You just have to work for it.

Because that’s my biggest downfall. I am overwhelmingly lazy, and I think that maybe if I had just tried harder this past spring to make myself happy–to create more situations that bring authentic happiness, instead of anxiety and discomfort–then I would have been happy.

But I don’t know how true that thought really is. Because, sure, I can create beautiful scenarios where I’m at ease and I can live these happy memories, and store them to replay at night when I need to remind myself. But what am I supposed to do when I find myself in uncomfortable situations?

Because that’s what college really did to me. Speaking up in class, going to parties, interacting with strangers, praying people will like me–this all gave me anxiety. And I’m using this term lightly–again, I know how serious anxiety can be and these feelings I had may certainly be lesser when compared to others. I never had panic attacks or sought medication or anything like that. I would just feel extreme discomfort. My face would grow hot, I’d feel sick to my stomach, my hands would shake, I wouldn’t be able to focus on anything else, I’d get head rushes–all of that stuff.

So what happens when I feel like that? I can’t just create these perfect scenarios all the time in hopes that I would remain happy. No matter how hard I work, I can’t do that.

Which is where mindfulness comes in–and where I urge you, if you haven’t already, to watch that first video.

They bring up a lot of good points and insight that I never saw before. Everyone just wants to feel safe. That’s what we crave. It’s what we need. And I so strongly relate to Ashley when she talks about talking to the barista (anyone who knows me can vouch for my awful–and inevitable–drive-thru interactions) and not only thinks about how she’s about to make a fool of herself, but how bizarre it is that this is a problem. And how does this not happen to normal people? Why me?

Wow, I feel like I’ve been writing for too long now.

But that’s where I’m at right now. This is how I’m feeling, and mindfulness is definitely something I’m going to look into. Because reminding yourself to be in the moment, and using simple tricks that mindfulness can teach (such as taking deep breaths and thinking about exactly what is in your control–such as how you are feeling at any possible moment) can really help curb the overwhelming feelings of terror and sadness and all of that.

I think it’s just the next step, and a very important step, that I need to take as I work towards being happier.

Sincerely,

Sammy

PS. Please let me know if you have any information or resources on mindfulness, as well as personal experiences with it. I would love to hear any and all takes on this concept, and it would be great to embark on this together.

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8 thoughts on “LET’S TALK ABOUT MINDFULNESS (and what really happened my freshman year)

  1. rebbit7 says:

    I just watched that video by MissFender not too long ago! However, I had first learned about mindfulness during my second year in college, but in the context of eating: how we can “tune in” to our eating habits and make better choices for our body and so forth. It’s good that you found mindfulness during college, as it can definitely help with stress and tuning in to the “now” moment of life. Good post!

  2. barelyabigail says:

    First of all, you followed me a while ago, and I’m kicking myself for just now reading your blog. I never was diagnosed with anxiety either, but I’m positive I dealt with some pretty bad panic attacks myself Freshman year in regards to school, social activities, athletics, and some emotional debris after an awful breakup. The only way I got through it is by telling myself I’m capable and confident. It’s the whole “fake it til you make it” mentality. It may not work for you, but regardless, I wish you luck on your journey. You’ll make it, I’m sure!

    • sincerelysammy says:

      Wow, thank you so much! And I’ve heard that advice before, but I never really tried it out for myself. I think I’ve just been so used to being in my head 24/7 and thinking such negative things. But the whole “act confident to gain confidence” mentality is really interesting to me now. I’m just so tired of hating who I am and being so insecure, and I’ve heard so many people say that once they told themselves constantly how great they are, they started to believe it. I’ll definitely try it out now.
      Thank you so much for your comment!

  3. Building The Confidence says:

    Reading your post I see a lot of myself in your writing. That is exactly where I stood my freshmen and sophomore year of college. Going into my junior year I don’t want to feel that way anymore and I know that I have those barista moments (even though I’m a barista) every day whether it be in class or at work and its exhausting. I feel the same way about the laziness as you do but in myself. And I agree that I have to work for it, I just need a way to constantly motivate myself through day to day life. Mindfulness has definitely helped me in these past few weeks but again I have to find motivation that keeps me going with those practices. Much like you I am trying to start working towards being happier by making small goals for myself (I wrote a blog post about it) and though I haven’t read the happiness project it was inspired by a post you had recently written about it. I can’t wait to hear more about your journey to find happiness and wish you the best of luck! If you need to vent or just talk about it don’t be afraid to message me or ask for me email. Since I am also trying to do similar things I wouldn’t mind different Pov’s. Sorry for the novel!
    Cielo! The Restoring Life Project 2015

    • sincerelysammy says:

      Thank you so much for your comment! I’m so glad to hear that mindfulness has helped you as well. Just yesterday, I kept reminding myself to be mindful and take it all in and I feel better already! And I’ll definitely check out your blog post regarding your own happiness project–I’m so touched that you were inspired by me! I would love to talk more. Feel free to email me at sincerelysammyblog@gmail.com. I’m really bad at checking it right now, but I’m trying to get better. And getting organized is one of my first resolutions to keep for my own happiness project. 🙂

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