Sorry if this doesn’t live up to the unexpected hype.
Inspired by this article: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/danielle-montgomery/eating-disorders_b_6636502.html
- I envy you for being able to fill up Facebook albums with good picture after good picture, when I spend my days untagging myself and hiding photos on my timeline.
- I don’t hate pictures. I hate myself.
- I wish I could jump in front of the camera as easily as you. I really do.
- I’m sorry that I cancel on you so much but some days I feel too hideous to leave my room.
- I don’t ever do this for attention. I don’t call myself ugly or fat to try and fish for compliments.
- In fact, some days I hate your compliments. I don’t know how to react. I can’t just accept it and move on when I know it’s not the truth.
- More than anything do I wish I could just believe you when you tell me I’m pretty or thin, but I can’t help but think that you’re lying. There’s no way you’re seeing something different than what I see in the mirror.
- And let me tell you: the mirror changes everything. I could be having a great day, but then I’ll pass by a window or a bus will drive by and I’ll catch some sort of reflection.
- I’m happiest when I can completely forget what I look like.
- I can’t stop myself from constantly comparing myself to those around me.
- I know beauty isn’t everything. Believe me, sometimes I hate my personality even more than the way I look. My self esteem issues aren’t just skin-deep.
- I also know that beauty is important. And when I’m standing around talking to no one when all the girls around me are chatting up someone cute, the first thing I blame is the way I look.
- It’s also the first thing I blame when I reflect upon the lack of interest guys express towards me.
- I hate being insecure. I don’t believe it’s cute or naive or humble that I don’t think I’m beautiful. I know that it’s weak and stupid and it’s just another thing I hate about myself.
- I have a list of physical features I despise about myself. And every time you make a comment about one of them, it’s burned into my brain.
- Trust me, I didn’t discover my cankles or knock knees or flat feet or weird hairline on my own. Someone pointed each of these out to me.
- That being said, new discoveries are now fairly easy for me to make, all by myself.
- Trust me, if I thought going to group or talking about it would help, I would.
- But for the record, I don’t think it would. The only solution I can possibly think of involves changing almost everything about me.
- I will never expect you to understand me and why I feel like this as I don’t think I even understand myself.
SINCERELY, SAMMY 
I’m not liking this because I “like” what you say about yourself, but I can completely understand what you’re feeling. Granted as I’ve aged I have learned to accept the things I strongly dislike about myself.
I’m not coming from a place of -it will get better as you get older cause that’s just a line of complete bs. It’s the sheer fact of going through the motions and living. I go through the self loathing, self deprecating, won’t look at a mirror, don’t own a scale crap..but I give myself a few moments to wallow in it and then I move on. I was always told I had such a beautiful face if only I was skinnier. Well it took me a long time to realize yes I can work on my weight but those people who say these things or point out our “flaws” can’t change their character. That’s a total different kind of “ugly” that can’t be fixed no matter how much make up or Botox or whatever other trendy fix can do!!!
Ok I totally rambled on and monopolized your post. But please don’t ere let the ignorance and opinion of others influence your view on yourself. You are worth it and you are beautiful! 🙂 ~Paula
Thank you so much for your kind words. I appreciate what you’ve said, and I, too, have heard that sometimes it’s just a matter of growing up and forcing your own perspective to change, and that is something I’ll always work on.
xx Sammy
You’re not alone, and I’m still working on that even at my age. But you got this girl!!
I find this post to be easy to relate to. Because I go through the same thing on a daily basis. Yes people tell me I am beautiful and all that, but it really isn’t about what all these people throwing positive compliments at you, is it? No.. It is about how you see your self every time you look into a mirror, or a reflection of yourself in a window. Every day becomes a struggle to find something positive to say about yourself, because you are so used to putting yourself down.. And really all the negative comments made by others is less destructive compared to what YOU have to say about yourself.
I have also found out that all these feelings of self-loathing and other negative feelings are contributed to me being bipolar. I have also never been comfortable talking to others, or going to a self-help group, because I do not like to look weak to others. That and I am the friend everyone comes to with their own problems, and if I were to have my own problems, I am not sure how they would react, since I am so happy go lucky, positive, loving Mandy on the outside.
With all that being said, I have gone through this since I was 14, and now I am 26 and have found ways to make myself feel better about myself. I say FIVE positive things about myself, to myself, in front of a mirror every day. I do things to make ME happy and not others. I dye my hair because I like how it instantly changes, and the changes I really want to make takes too long. I surround myself with positive people who make me smile and laugh and forget about all the bad I feel.
I wish I could say it does get easier in time, that you will stop feeling like this, but it is a compulsive problem that only going to see a therapist may help. One day you will wake up and tell yourself you are SO TIRED of feeling such self-loathing about yourself, that you will take the steps towards loving yourself. No one can do it for you, or hold your hand and guide you, only YOU can do it.
Sorry for the long post, I just know exactly how you feel since I go through the same struggles, and just so you know, though you will not believe it, you are a beautiful person inside and outside.
Best Wishes,
~~Moxie Luster~~
Thank you so much for your comment! I love everything you’ve said, and I feel like you actually do understand. Sometimes I feel like people don’t get that I simply don’t believe their compliments, and that I never bring this up for attention at all–in fact, I rarely bring up how much I sometimes hate myself. But I love the tips you gave and all that you’ve said. I think I might actually start trying harder to look into that mirror each morning and finding something I like. Because it is tiring to be so unhappy so often, and I think I’m really ready to work towards a change.
Thank you again.
xx Sammy
Sammy! I can’t believe you think your hairline is weird because I was just thinking the last time I saw you that I really like your hair line. Totally random thing to notice but I think about hairlines a lot haha.
Also every single one of these things has gone through my head too like, every day. And the best advice I ever got about it is that when you say one negative thing to yourself (appearance or personality) counter it with 2 positives. It’s hard but it really helps once you get in the habit of it.
One last thing haha right before reading this I just watched a new Dove campaign about this exact thing and it was great and you should go look it up!! (Google Dove choose beautiful)
(I’ve been thinking about commenting this for a week)
Aye but you got a fine ass tho 😉