Sorry if this doesn’t live up to the unexpected hype.

Inspired by this article: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/danielle-montgomery/eating-disorders_b_6636502.html

  1. I envy you for being able to fill up Facebook albums with good picture after good picture, when I spend my days untagging myself and hiding photos on my timeline.
  2. I don’t hate pictures. I hate myself.
  3. I wish I could jump in front of the camera as easily as you. I really do.
  4. I’m sorry that I cancel on you so much but some days I feel too hideous to leave my room.
  5. I don’t ever do this for attention. I don’t call myself ugly or fat to try and fish for compliments.
  6. In fact, some days I hate your compliments. I don’t know how to react. I can’t just accept it and move on when I know it’s not the truth.
  7. More than anything do I wish I could just believe you when you tell me I’m pretty or thin, but I can’t help but think that you’re lying. There’s no way you’re seeing something different than what I see in the mirror.
  8. And let me tell you: the mirror changes everything. I could be having a great day, but then I’ll pass by a window or a bus will drive by and I’ll catch some sort of reflection.
  9. I’m happiest when I can completely forget what I look like.
  10. I can’t stop myself from constantly comparing myself to those around me.
  11. I know beauty isn’t everything. Believe me, sometimes I hate my personality even more than the way I look. My self esteem issues aren’t just skin-deep.
  12. I also know that beauty is important. And when I’m standing around talking to no one when all the girls around me are chatting up someone cute, the first thing I blame is the way I look.
  13. It’s also the first thing I blame when I reflect upon the lack of interest guys express towards me.
  14. I hate being insecure. I don’t believe it’s cute or naive or humble that I don’t think I’m beautiful. I know that it’s weak and stupid and it’s just another thing I hate about myself.
  15. I have a list of physical features I despise about myself. And every time you make a comment about one of them, it’s burned into my brain.
  16. Trust me, I didn’t discover my cankles or knock knees or flat feet or weird hairline on my own. Someone pointed each of these out to me.
  17. That being said, new discoveries are now fairly easy for me to make, all by myself.
  18. Trust me, if I thought going to group or talking about it would help, I would.
  19. But for the record, I don’t think it would. The only solution I can possibly think of involves changing almost everything about me.
  20. I will never expect you to understand me and why I feel like this as I don’t think I even understand myself.