I don’t know about many of you, but for me, blogging is this weird but wonderful outlet where I can be creative and reflective, but still social and interactive. In that way, it’s different than a journal, but it still has many qualities of one.
My friend Ashley (CollegewithAshley) and I were talking about this the other day and, while we both agreed we’d probably never be the people to share our blog posts on our Facebook pages, we have to admit that our writing isn’t necessarily private.
And I guess it never really had that intent. The first people I told were close friends from home, and I told them it was a secret. It even took a month before I told Sarah. But now I find myself casually bringing it up in conversation and sending a link to my sorority sisters. And Ashley’s parents read hers, which is a day my blog may never see.
So it’s true: this is the censored version of me. The one who never cusses and tries to cut herself off around 500 words. (You should see my journal–I ramble on aimlessly for pages and it’s a rare day when I don’t drop the F-bomb. )
So why am I telling you this?
Specifically, because of what I’m going to post tomorrow.
I am very unsure of who I am, but I try to use my writing to help me. Writing brings me clarity. It helps me understand and explain my often misunderstood thoughts. It’s often hard for me to voice exactly how I feel, but when I’m writing, things are easier.
So tomorrow I will be posting a list of things I wish I could tell people. A list that I wrote in February after reading this article, but never posted because I thought of the people that would inevitably read it. Of Jaden and Kassara and Ashley and my sister and who knows who else.
But when it comes down to it, this list was one of the most reflective things I’ve done, and I’d like to share it. I’d like to be able to tell my closest friends things I’m only now admitting to myself and I’d like to share it with strangers on the internet who might just feel the same way.
I don’t know, maybe this’ll all make more sense when I post the list. Maybe you’ll know then why it scares me so much to publish this entry and the next. Because I’m so terrified of being this vulnerable. Because I’m so scared of even the people closest to me seeing who I really am. How I really think.
But I guess there’s no going back now.