Dear Reader,

I feel like a cliché. Like a teenager, constantly full of angst. I don’t know who I am.

I used to, I think. I think I used to have a pretty firm grasp of my identity, but ever since I got to college, I’ve had no clue. I don’t know my own opinion about all kinds of topics that I used to talk so freely about. I don’t know what kind of student I am in the classroom anymore. And it’s getting harder and harder to distinguish between the real me and the person I want to be.

Or maybe it’s getting easier.

All I know about myself is negative–which becomes clearer to me each day, as it gets pounded deeper into my head. I know that I get hurt too often. And that I cry too much. I know I’m messy and awkward and I’m feeling uglier and fatter every passing day. I know that I crack far too many jokes and only about a third of them get any genuine laughs.

But then there’s all this stuff that I used to know about myself that is so confusing these days! And I’m at the age where I have all of these people in my life who assure me that they know me. They tell me things about myself that I don’t want to believe–and then they give me evidence so that I have no choice!

And it all goes back to the same old fight I’ve been having for years now. The fight between the inner me I deeply want to bring out–that I deeply want to discover! The fight between her and the person I seem to be.

Because lately I’ve been feeling that the person that everyone seems to know me as isn’t really me at all.

And I don’t know what to do about that.

Sorry this wasn’t like my latest posts, and I promise I’ll be back with at least three days worth of thank yous tomorrow, but I really needed to say that. I needed to write it out so I can decide where I want to go with this. And I need to share it because maybe I’m not alone. And maybe someone out there can help me get through this.



PS. A song that reminds me of summer, where everything was so much simpler: Pumpin’ Blood – NONONO


2 thoughts on “MISUNDERSTOOD

  1. Sulfen says:

    Maybe you are looking for that one thing that pushes you to the next chapter of your life. In teen years, a couple of years ago, I felt lost and it took a lot of time for my to realize that things change and so I needed to change with time. I wish I could give you universal advice but I don’t know you well enough to give you such advice. Just know that sometimes change isn’t bad. Don’t feel like you, your life, and your surroundings will be like this forever. One day they will be different and you need to stay strong to tackle anything that comes your way.

    • sammyneiswander says:

      Thank you for your comment, and your advice! I think you’re right about what I’m looking for, and what you said about change is really comforting. I’ll definitely remember it for the future and try and be strong enough.

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