I feel like a cliché. Like a teenager, constantly full of angst. I don’t know who I am.
I used to, I think. I think I used to have a pretty firm grasp of my identity, but ever since I got to college, I’ve had no clue. I don’t know my own opinion about all kinds of topics that I used to talk so freely about. I don’t know what kind of student I am in the classroom anymore. And it’s getting harder and harder to distinguish between the real me and the person I want to be.
Or maybe it’s getting easier.
All I know about myself is negative–which becomes clearer to me each day, as it gets pounded deeper into my head. I know that I get hurt too often. And that I cry too much. I know I’m messy and awkward and I’m feeling uglier and fatter every passing day. I know that I crack far too many jokes and only about a third of them get any genuine laughs.
But then there’s all this stuff that I used to know about myself that is so confusing these days! And I’m at the age where I have all of these people in my life who assure me that they know me. They tell me things about myself that I don’t want to believe–and then they give me evidence so that I have no choice!
And it all goes back to the same old fight I’ve been having for years now. The fight between the inner me I deeply want to bring out–that I deeply want to discover! The fight between her and the person I seem to be.
Because lately I’ve been feeling that the person that everyone seems to know me as isn’t really me at all.
And I don’t know what to do about that.
Sorry this wasn’t like my latest posts, and I promise I’ll be back with at least three days worth of thank yous tomorrow, but I really needed to say that. I needed to write it out so I can decide where I want to go with this. And I need to share it because maybe I’m not alone. And maybe someone out there can help me get through this.
PS. A song that reminds me of summer, where everything was so much simpler: Pumpin’ Blood – NONONO