Everything in my life is a mess and everything is falling apart.
Dramatic, I know, but let me express my emotions how I want to so I can have the tiniest bit of clarity once it’s all over.
I am a messy person and I hate it. I would love to be clean and organized and punctual but, unfortunately, I am none of the above. First, let’s talk dorm room.
I am rooming with my best friend from high school who is, apparently, an A-type person. She keeps her things very clean and puts everything in their right spot immediately when she’s done using them. We’ve discovered that this is because she studies best in a clean environment. Which sucks for the both of us because I constantly live in a messy environment. So even though I’m not trying to, I’m making everything harder for her. Which is the very last thing I want because I feel that it adds tension to the room and, ultimately, I feel like an inconsiderate prick.
And there’s the whole sanitary issue. I’ll drop a bag of crackers and clean them up later. I’ll do my laundry only when it’s overflowing and I’ll dry it only when it starts to stink up the room. I’ll spill wax, forget about it, and then remember to clean it once it already hardens. But then I won’t know how to clean it so Jaden will clean it herself. Ultimately, I am just an unpleasant person to live with which is awful for my roommate and I and probably everyone else around us. And we’re not even getting into my outrageous sleeping habits right now.
Then there’s the planner: what every college student needs to survive these next four years. I bought one. I also bought a desk calendar and a wall calendar and I have my google calendar set up. But I don’t use any of these consistently. So I miss meetings and opportunities and sometimes I show up to class twenty minutes late because I thought it started at 2:30 instead of 1 and realized the fatal mistake during my, what should’ve been relaxing, lunch break.
And there’s my computer in general. Documents and files everywhere. Tons of folders marked “important” or “organize later,” that I never open again. And there’s all my websites that I go to: tumblr, pinterest, wordpress. Of course, these are, more or less, irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. But, still, I’m so inconsistent it drives me mad.
Then there’s all of these relationships. People who I sincerely want to remain in contact with. People I want to visit or go to concerts with or just talk to every once in a while. Friends, family members, even old staff I’ve been meaning to email for months now. I just never get around to it. And I never get around to texting back and I can’t really explain why. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to keep track of everyone that is important to me when I can’t even keep track of where I’m supposed to be and what I’m supposed to be doing on a daily basis.
And, finally, there’s all these projects. I guess wordpress could count. Decorating the dorm could also count. As could my sudoku-a-day calendar and my write-a-letter-to-your-future-self project. All of these projects end up unfinished. Or I return after abandoning them for a while. And then when I look back at everything–when I open the letters on my 18th birthday; when I read old Sincerely Sammy entries that promise “big things” for the future; when I walk into my ugly unfurnished dorm room, I get depressed because of the failure that is my life.
So I guess here’s the lesson: before you come to college, clean up your life. Life gets a lot crazier in college and if you’re already a hot mess to begin with, every passing day becomes more and more unpleasant.